About five years ago, I had my first sexual encounter around my birthday. I turned 13.

I had some family flying in from the Marianas, and as always we let them stay at our house for as long as they need. Usually my auntie is the one that flies in the check my folks, but this time around she brought her son, age 19 at that time. My aunt slept in my room, which I willingly gave up, and my cousin slept downstairs in the living room by me. No biggie.

Well, I started to get to know him and at first, it sounded like he was trying to pick up on me, how a guy would do at school or something - you know, try to connect with something totally irrelevant. I thought nothing of it, but as we started to bond as cousins, he started looking at me more. It was weird, but I still thought nothing of it.

My grandfather was admitted to the hospital soon after, and we would make visits. When I'd go to the bathroom or go get a snack, my cousin would follow. Once, on the way back, he asked "Hey, can we hold hands?" "Why," I asked. He said, "Oh well, our other cousins and I do it. Why can't we?" I knew it was weird, but... whatever.

It just progressed from there... but what started it was our trip to watch a movie at the theatres. It was a scary movie, and I'm chicken shit when it comes to horror. He held my hand the whole time, squeezing when he felt me flinch. For the first time, I started feeling a little warm inside. Then the warm feeling turned into wet thoughts. It weirded me out, but at the same time, because I was completely new to this, I was so curious... so in need to know what this was.

I went home and ran to my room that night and checked my panties because I felt something new. Apparently that was the first time I had gotten truly "wet," because my panties were sopping at the croth part. I panicked so I changed and went downstairs to sleep, thinking I could put it aside and things would be normal. I was so wrong ._.

At one in the morning, he and I were still up while everyone else was knocked out upstairs. So he said, "Hey, ever watched a porn?" I said yeah, and he suggested we watch some. I said okay. He was behind me, and unsuspecting me didn't know he'd hug me from there. After it was done, I was a little riled up. He asked me if I'd ever done "naughty" things, and I told him no. So he kissed me. Being new at this, I surrendered to the sudden wave of warmth in my body, making its way to my "sensitive" areas. He scooted closer to me and I felt him, hard, pressing against me in my vagina. I flipped, but I let it happen. Why? Til this day, I have no clue.

Well, it went on like that for a while, until he urged me to touch him. I reached into his boxers and fumbled with his penis for a while, trying to discover what it was. Instinctively, I began to stroke him. He liked it, so I kept on. It got to the point where he started fingering me (and it hurt like hell). He came in his boxers while I bled a little in my panties, and he wiped his cum on my cheek. After that, he walked into the bathroom and washed his hands while I washed his stuff from my face. The next morning, he and his mom left back home and all he could say to me was, "Bye kid." My other female cousin, who knew this was going on, said "Wow. All that, and just 'Bye kid'?"

I haven't seen that cousin since, and I truly don't plan to. I was so caught up in the heat and the curiosity, I actually let him take advantage of me. I would think that both my desire and reluctance to have sex in high school, even now that I've been in a relationship for four years (including this first year in college), was because of that shame. It wasn't mentioned up there, but after the masturbating each other, he pressured me to sit on his cock and "fuck him" as he put it... I just couldn't. After that, I think I knew he'd be gone from my life, and had I gone through with his demand... well, I think I'd be even more sexually, maybe even socially perturbed today than I already am. And yet, while regretting this ever happened, I don't. I feel so messed up.