#227

Submitted:

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This is very difficult for me to admit but out of stupidity, humiliation and shame, I accepted abuse from early childhood until I was almost 18 years old. My mother married Craig when I was a baby and the abuse by him started as early as I can remember. My mother had and still has mental health problems and has been on medication her entire life. I think I was 4 or 5 when we moved to Nevada and lived in a very rural area. The house was more like a shack and had only two bedrooms. We had little contact with my mothers family. She became like a zombie and took many drugs that made her incoherent and she would sleep for many hours even during the day. When I started school the bus ride was long and I was alone most of the time until Craig got home. My mother was usually sleeping or just sitting and watching tv not knowing I changed the channel for cartoons. The abuse had already started by that time and Craig would often smack or spank me. I was completely terrified of him and learned at an early age not to talk back to him for fear of being beaten. I would complain to my mother to no avail, allowing Craig to dominate my life. I had very few friends and the closest house to ours was almost a mile away. My best weekends were when Craig worked on a Saturday which wasn't often enough. He would spank me for stupid things like not putting my shoes or clothes away. He spanked me right in front of my mother a few times but would normally take me to the back porch. I had to take my clothes off and he always spanked me naked. I was so fearful of the whipping I would receive the fact that I was naked never entered my mind or embarrassed me. He would spank me so long and hard that the back of my legs and buttocks were black and blue for several days or longer. I was skinny and frail and he would lift me with one hand most of the time and throw me on the old sofa that was on the porch. I was only in first or second grade at that time and tried not to anger him. I had seen him and my mother naked many times and also saw them having sex. Most of the time my mother was unconscious or so controlled by the drugs that she couldn't have known I was watching. Craig never shut the bedromm door and I could see into their bedroom. He would also have sex with her on the living room sofa with me sitting across from them in the chair. Most of those times my mother was completely unconscious. Craig never said anything while he had intercouse with her but he obviousley knew I could see them, not understanding what they were doing. I don't remember if I ever said anything to my mother about it and it became a common occurrance. He would masturbate in front of me especially on weekends he was drinking a lot. If my mother was sleeping or took too many pill he would walk around the house naked. I do remember him giving my mother some pills to take and shortly afterwards would tell me to take my clothes off. I don't remember being embarrassed by it but if I refused or complained he would threaten me with a beating and sometimes spanked me anyhow just for hesitating. He would make me stand in front of him naked as he masturbated but at that time I didn't understand what masturbation was. I'm not even sure when it started but he would take me out on the back porch naked and make me lay down on the picnic table. He would put oil all over my body telling me it would protect my skin from the heat. He did this about once a week but sometimes more often. He did my back first then I would have to turn over where he would spread my legs open and rub the oil into my vagina and anus sometimes fingering me. If I complained the slightest he would spank me right away so I just tollerated it without saying a word. He always did this while my mother was sleeping or passed out and was always naked himself. I told her a few times that he did this but don't think she heard what I was saying and it never stopped. As time went on I had to do all the cleaning and wash all the clothes. The spankings continued as did the oil on my body. Once a week or more I saw Criag having sex with my mother and he continued to have me undress while he would masturbate. He found a reason to spank me at least 3 or 4 times a month and once spanked me because I forgot to wash his jeans. Even as I started to develop he always spanked me naked and still insisted on putting the oil all over me. He had less sex with my mother but most weekends I would have to strip in front of him before he masturbated. Then on a Saturday afternoon he ordered me to the porch and made me take off all my clothes. After I got on the table he began to put the oil on me. When I turned over he firsts rubbed it on my breasts then started to finger me. I was never affected like this before but soon became, what I know now, is arousel. He kept touching my nipples and was lighty rubbing my anus as he fingered me and I had my first orgasm. I don't even remember how old I was and it was one of the rare times I saw him smile at me. Within the next month or so he masturbated me a couple times a week. I believe because he had seen me naked so often I began to look forward to him putting the oil on me. The more I obeyed him the nicer he was with me. He still spanked me for minor things but the beatings were less severe than when I was younger. I still saw him having sex with my mother sometimes but not nearly as often. He was always giving my mother pills to take but I didn't think much about that. There was nothing in the back of our house and when he put the oil on me and masturbated me he was always naked also. He started by masturbating himself as he was doing it to me but soon had me masturbating him. As much as he satisfied me I maturbated myself sometimes. One night he opened my door as I was and for some reason I was embarrassed that he caught me. After that he made me masturbate myself while he watched me, mostly on the picnis table. As I did he would also masturbate as he rubbed my breasts. I had just started high school by this time and my mother didn't know anything about it. I never told her about it and just assumed it wouldn't matter anyhow. I didn't want him to but he insisted he shave my pubic hair. As many times as we masturbated each other we had never had intercouse or oral sex. For some reason he always found an excuse to spank me at least once a month and I still cried when he did because it always hurt so much. One Saturday he was drinking a lot of beer and made me get on the picnic table naked. We masturbated each other then I showered as I usually did and he made me shave my pubic hair as he watched me. When I got out of the shower he told me get back on the picnic table and that was the first time he gave me oral sex. When he first started I was aroused so fast I couldn't believe how good it felt. I'm not sure how many times I orgasmed but kept having them. Craig was naked also and afterwards made me suck his penis. He came in my mouth and I almost threw up when he did. He held my hair and forced himself into my throat which made me gag several times. He began discussing sex with me and began making me give him oral sex often. He did the same to me and kept telling me we would have intercouse soon. I don't even remember what I did but one night he got out the belt and made me come out on the porch for a spanking. He just sat there telling me to take off my clothes. I knew when he used the belt I was going to get a terrible beating. I started to cry and he asked me if I would rather blow him. I was so naive at the time I didn't understand that he was referring to oral sex and had to ask what he meant. I agreed to give him oral sex rather than recieve a beating from him. He took his shorts off and made me kneel in front of him and when he ejaculated he made me swallow his cum. From then on each time I gave him oral sex I had to swallow it. It digussted me that he made me do that but after awhile I got used to it. One night he called me to his room. My mother was passed out on the bed and he just said I want you to see this. He took her night gown and panties off then undressed himself. My mother was naked on the bed and he first fingered her and she did respond however so slightly and he just began having intercouse with her making me stand righ next to them watching. The next night is the first time I had intercouse with Craig and it was not a pleasant experience. It hurt more than I expected but there was very little blood. For the next three years I had sex with Craig a few times a week. We had intercouse, oral sex and masturbated eah other several times a week. He made up reasons to spank me but never used a belt anymore. My mother was always knocked out when this went on and I never told anyone about it. I don't know if I was to ashamed about it or didn't want to admit how dominated and fearful I was of Craig. I totally hated giving him oral sex but was afraid not to when he wanted it. If he was drinking he was very brutal with me sometimes and my throat would hurt the next day. I didn't like swallowing his cum and did get sick sometimes after I did. When he masturbated me or had intercouse with me, most of the time I enjoyed it. There were other times where he became rough with me and would force me into positions that were painful for me. That happened mostly when he was drunk and sometimes it would take forever for him to cum. Five months before my 18th birthday I noticed my mother hadn't woken up for the longest time. I tried to wake or just get a response from her but she was completely unconscious and not breathing well. I called 911 and it took almost half an hour for them to arrive. She had taken so many pills they couldn't revive her and took her to a hospital. She was unconcious for almost a week and I called my aunt Cass back in Ohio thinking my mother would die. She flew out the next day and hadn't seen my mother in over a year. I think because I saw my mother everyday I didn't relize how bad she really was. She only weighed slightly over a hundred pounds and her sister was shocked how bad she was. Within the next week my uncle Dave came and they insisted my mother go back to Ohio. Craig resisted them moving her at first but relented and I went back with them. Craig stayed in Nevada and my mother and I were supposed to move back after she was out of the hospital. My aunt Cass and uncle Dave never liked Craig and I think aunt Cass suspected he was mistreating me and my mother. She began asking me a lot of questions and I did tell her how Craig would make her take pills all the time but never told her what went on with me. I did tell her he spanked me sometimes but was to ashamed to tell her about all the other things. Craig did come to Ohio a few weeks later but only stayed for a week. My mother was in the mental health hospital for several months after that and never went back to Craig. She is still a mess and still takes many differnt drugs for her condition. She has been like this as long as I can remember and doubt if she will ever recover. I finished high school and got my degree last year from college. I have my own apartment now and my mother still lives with my aunt Cass. I see her a few times a week but sometimes she don't even know I am there. She never devorced Craig and no one has heard from him for over two years. I'm a teacher now and two weeks ago reported a case of child abuse. A 5th grade girl confided in me that she was being sexually abused by her uncle. If I had only had the courage to do that when I was her age I wouldn't have the remorse I do still have today. What I let Craig get away with is inecusable. especially as a teenager and moreso when I was 17, I should have had the sense to tell someone. I'm still shamful of it but do know how intimadated I was by Craig. I feared him so much I did whatever I was told even as I got older. He not only sexually abused me but I also suffered beatings and rough sex at his hands. I probably should have had therapy over it but was always to humiliated to tell anyone what I went through. Its impossible to explain but he had me so trained that I was sexually satisfied by him often and also brutalized by him. Some things he did to me I liked at the time but he took complete advantage of me whenever he wanted to. Noone could understand this unless they went through it. I suppose thats another reason I never told anyone. I don't have nightmares anymore but still think about it often enough. I was always afaird I could end up like my mother, dependent on drugs all the time. I have had sex with with two differnt men over the last few years and presently have a good relationship. I am determined not to let it disrupt my life and know I was completely manipulated by Craig.

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