These are feelings I've grappled with for years. I am 30, trans and though I have known it for around 10 years I have never been able to transition. I have not been able to hold down conventional jobs due to mental health and have been forced to live with family because of that. Moving out has been extremely difficult and sometimes feels impossible, and the motivator of it all is wanting to finally be able to transition and express myself for who I am.

The feeling of not having control and having sexual trauma/ experiences in an adult shop have built up with the frustration, forced repression, and other things. And now I have an overwhelming want, almost a craving to be taken and feminized. It's so fucked up. I find myself fantasizing about being taken and slowly reshaped through diet, brainwashing and HRT into a pornstar-esque bimbo of a woman. And I can't stop looking it up and craving it. I want to give up. I want to give in so badly. Everything is so tiring, and the idea of suddenly not having a choice but to become a version of what I am on the inside even if it ends with me in a life as a mindless sex object sounds so desirable.

I'm scared of what I'd do if the situation actually presented itself to me.